(...although I don't feel like I have been in denial for the past four months...)
I am just doing this whole grieving process my own way (which seems more likely). But today, the "why me's?" hit, and all of the other really non-productive (but necessary) questions. Today, and for the first time since I was diagnosed, I am super pissed that I have to do any of this.
My catalyst was my plastics appt. today. Shit got really freaking real for me. I'm looking at about four surgeries. Up first, bilateral mastectomy on 3/22, then I'll have the hysterectomy on round two, about three months later. Two more surgeries after that for reconstruction. As well-informed as I am about my care and my diagnosis, I feel completely blindsided by that and I am not sure why. I do feel like I have completed the most physically challenging part of this journey with chemo, and yet after today I am really feeling the weight of this journey and there is still so much to endure. I have been through a few surgeries and I know I can get through the physical pain and I'm not afraid of that.
I am fearful of what's next though. The mental journey, and wow folks, it's a lot.
I have already been on the edge of tears for a few weeks just beginning to think about what's next in this process. Tell you what though, there's nothing like hearing that it's really not worth saving your nipples due to your diagnosis to really drive it home for a girl. I know that these surgeries are really great closure for me and I will get a lot more peace of mind, a lot less risk, and a really great pair of boobs in the process. Logically, I get it. But there is no comfort for me today in those words. I feel that a part of me is being discarded; a part of me that is a big part of who I am. I will get good with it, because as I type this I am working it all out with myself.
I have been working on overcoming the trust issues I have with my body now. I know that will take time and fortunately I can kick the parts out that are trying to kill me. I feel grateful to have that knowledge to be able to do that.
Now, I have to get good with my new body, whatever shape that takes. We all remember how awesome doing that as a teenager was, right? Granted I am more well-equipped to deal with all of this but I am feeling really not ready for any of it. Basically reinventing my entire self image. I have this overwhelming fear of looking at myself in the mirror for the first time post op. I can't even imagine what that will be like.
I know looking back I will be amazed at what I have been through and accomplished, but today I am not up to the challenge so boo on all of this.
Time for ice cream and my nerd puppy, Finn.
Love you all. Thanks for listening while I am weak and kinda grumpy.
XOXO
