Thursday, March 21, 2019

Day 164

Thanks for the mammories.

Big day tomorrow.  DMX.  OHSU.  6am.  

One minute I am excited to get this cancer the hell out of my body, the next minute I am scared out of my mind that they'll find even more cancer or lymph node involvement and I'll have to do radiation or god forbid, more chemo.  Then the next minute I am like, wait, wtf?!?!  No way in HELL you are taking my boobs.  Almost to the point of a big fat grown up fit.  Not pretty.  

I still can't believe this is real sometimes.  Tomorrow I am sure things will feel very real when I start the next big battle.  The first of four surgeries.  I will need to refocus my energy, not into the idea of what just happened to me physically, but into healing my body and my soul.  

I was wondering what I should do to mark the occasion.  Like is there some sort of ceremony I should hold for my soon-to-be-gone boobs or something?  Should I burn sage, or take pictures of them? No idea. I do feel it's important to do something to honor my before surgery body and celebrate the "whole" me before the new me emerges from the ashes, but honestly I have not had the time or energy to do anything no matter how many easy Pinterest projects there may be.  I have a feeling I will regret not doing something more but the clock keeps ticking towards tomorrow and still nothing to commemorate the girls.  I have been so busy with work and momming, that this will just have to do.

So, without further adieu, a big shout out to my boobs.  Thank you for serving your purpose and doing a hell of a job.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss you terribly and I cried my eyes out today over you like a big baby.  I will never be the same without you, but I hope to be better when you are gone.  

I love you all.  Please send me the good kind of vibes tonight and I will check in with you on the other side (most likely on IG).

Get some sleep for me, I'm not sure that's happening here tonight!


Thursday, March 14, 2019

Day 157

My life since the last blog post:

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Tell you what though, it's hard to believe that today it's been one month since my last chemo (yay!!!), and I am one week away from my BMX (that's shop talk for Bilateral Mastectomy). I am in a much better place than I was during what I will fondly look back on as, "the darkest 5 days", but it's still a roller coaster my friends.  I am feeling a bit better, and I joke that I am done with chemo but it's not done with me.  The side effects of chemo definitely don't end on your last treatment.  They lingeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.  For example, the neuropathy in my fingers and feet may just end up being that way forever, so that's neat!  Although on a positive note, so far I have counted one eyelash growing back, three new eyebrow hairs, and about ten really whack peach fuzz hairs on my head that are almost an inch long.  Funny how excited I am about that!!!

Speaking of healing, I had this a-ha moment in the shower the other day, (where all of my most amazing a-ha moments happen), that the loss of my breasts isn't about justifying, it's about acceptance.  I had been spending a ton of energy negotiating with myself to get to the point that I could cope with my loss. I don't care if I get fabulous new boobs, or what society thinks of me without my boobs, or whatever "benefit" comes with the surgery.  It's about mourning over losing a part of myself, and not only that, grieving over the person that I once was, and accepting the new normal.  And then thriving.  Being happy.  Really effing happy.

Obviously, cancer was not in my life plan.  Although I had always known that I had higher than normal odds of getting cancer.  Since I was young, I would joke that it wasn't if I was going to get cancer, it was what kind would it be.  Well tell you what, even though I carried that burden with me, when it actually happened, I was like, "Wait!!!  What?!?!?  This can't really be happening!!".  Totally. Unprepared.  

Especially since last September when I had my mammogram, I felt completely invincible.  Healthy.  Vibrant.  At the top of my game.  This has been a major course change and it has taken me a while to adapt to the headwind and the sun in my eyes.  

So here we go on the next journey!  I felt a few weeks ago that physically I have tackled the hardest part as I wrapped up my chemo, but I am feeling a little less confident of that as I head into four surgeries that will take me just about the next year to complete.  That's a lot!  It's a marathon, not a sprint, right?  That's been a point of frustration for me because I tend to be impatient with myself and not give myself a lot of grace.  Working through that.....

So, I have been preparing my body for this next hurdle. I am so excited to start exercising again!  I have been slowly digging out of this chemo hole and getting my physical strength back.  It's been hard because my endurance was greatly reduced by the chemo (thanks to Adriamycin) and my body has been in pain (thanks to Taxol) and climbing a flight of stairs could kick my ass.  But every day it gets better!  

I appreciate my body, no, myself, so much more now.  I am amazed by my strength and what my body, mind, and spirit, have been able to endure, sustain, and survive through.  Reflecting not only on now, but really my entire life.  Today I feel like a warrior.  Tomorrow I may not, and I won't trust any part of my body, and that's OK too.  Welcome to the roller coaster that is cancer.

And are you as happy as I am that spring is here?!?!  I am so energized!!!!  There are daffodils and cherry blossoms and it's amazing!!  I looked at the weather forecast for this weekend and it's going to be soooooooo nice and I think I am going to try to knock out a hike before my surgery and I am down for the count again.  I mean granted it's going to take me twice as long to do, but I really can't think of anything that would make me happier, and I promise I will take it easy and make one of the kids babysit me.  Love you all, gnite!!  XOXO