Day 164

Thanks for the mammories.

Big day tomorrow.  DMX.  OHSU.  6am.  

One minute I am excited to get this cancer the hell out of my body, the next minute I am scared out of my mind that they'll find even more cancer or lymph node involvement and I'll have to do radiation or god forbid, more chemo.  Then the next minute I am like, wait, wtf?!?!  No way in HELL you are taking my boobs.  Almost to the point of a big fat grown up fit.  Not pretty.  

I still can't believe this is real sometimes.  Tomorrow I am sure things will feel very real when I start the next big battle.  The first of four surgeries.  I will need to refocus my energy, not into the idea of what just happened to me physically, but into healing my body and my soul.  

I was wondering what I should do to mark the occasion.  Like is there some sort of ceremony I should hold for my soon-to-be-gone boobs or something?  Should I burn sage, or take pictures of them? No idea. I do feel it's important to do something to honor my before surgery body and celebrate the "whole" me before the new me emerges from the ashes, but honestly I have not had the time or energy to do anything no matter how many easy Pinterest projects there may be.  I have a feeling I will regret not doing something more but the clock keeps ticking towards tomorrow and still nothing to commemorate the girls.  I have been so busy with work and momming, that this will just have to do.

So, without further adieu, a big shout out to my boobs.  Thank you for serving your purpose and doing a hell of a job.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss you terribly and I cried my eyes out today over you like a big baby.  I will never be the same without you, but I hope to be better when you are gone.  

I love you all.  Please send me the good kind of vibes tonight and I will check in with you on the other side (most likely on IG).

Get some sleep for me, I'm not sure that's happening here tonight!

XOXO