Day 105

Taxol is Not Easier and Other Musings

Hello everyone!!!  Two more chemos to go (WOOT!) and I could not be more excited and freaked out.  Apparently the Taxol (my new cocktail for four cycles) is "supposed" to be more easily tolerated than the Adriamycin (the "Red Devil") and the Cyclophosphamide.   I tend to disagree.  

First because I have had fairly crippling joint pain which is new with this drug.  And it gets better!  The latest and greatest Taxol adventure is from last Thursday's infusion.  I had a pretty bad reaction to the Taxol, but, after some ER type drama, 100 mg each of Benadryl and dexamethasone, 11 hours later I was home.  Long day and looking forward to not having chemo anymore.  It was pretty scary last time and not very comforting to know I am on three times the normal dose for this drug.  

I am also super nervous about my mammogram next week where we'll see what all this chemo did.  I can deal with any result other than "it's bigger".  So cross your fingers, toes, and legs.  

Other than that, lots of fun life happening.  Finn learned how to open doors which has been fun, especially if you are a house guest and are using the bathroom =) 

And, as you may remember, Michael had a little accident in my car.  Well, the week after it was fixed, he lost his job at Jackpot.  (Three part-timers also got laid off, so Scappoose peeps, if you know of anyone hiring locally, I have a very "eager to keep his insurance and driving privileges and help his mommy" 16-year old son.)  Then last week, (a few days after he lost his job), he got rear-ended in the parking lot of the high school in the new family-mobile.  I shit you not.  Poor kid. That's a lot for an adult to deal with, not to mention a kid!!

In between all that wonderfulness, our cat went missing and then decided to come home 5 days later after we were complete messes.  He's never been gone that long and it was just about too much for me and the family to deal with.  If you've met my cat, he literally is the coolest cat, like ever.  So he's home now and all fat and sassy like he was never gone.  I did tell him when he nonchalantly walked through the pet door last Saturday morning that he was an asshole and if he ever did it again there would NOT be flyers in mailboxes ever again.

Also went to MOPOP for the first time.  I highly recommend going!!  They are also having a Marvel exhibit right now.  Umm, can you see my geek flag waving yet?  

That and seeing John Bonham's drum kit (among other extremely geeky music memorabilia), and Michael and I were completely SUPER geeking out.  

Oh, and I got this cool t-shirt that makes me LOL every damn time.  Like every time.  ➡

And Michael was so sweet, I could hardly make it through the entire museum I was so dead, so he gave me his arm and walked me through the whole thing. Just a proud little "I must be doing something right" moment.

Been travelling a lot to Seattle for work, which I LOVE.  I seriously heart Seattle.  But, since I am kind of a wussy right now and not super great to travel alone, I've been trying to make the best of it by taking one of the kids with to make sure I am OK during my travels.  The most recent trip Jess went with me and we went to see Bumblebee, went to the Dough Zone (seriously why is there no Dough Zone near me??) and came back to the hotel and did extreme facial care. 

Last week all my eyelashes jumped ship and my brows are on their way out now too.  Quite honestly I feel so ugly, but my skin looks fabulous now!  (And there's a LOT of it LOL!) 

As far as the musings I mentioned, I have been hesitant to voice them in much detail, because I don't want to come off as being negative.  After deliberating, it's not really that I am being negative at all, but that I have received a perspective that not everyone has been as lucky as me to receive.  If the following comes out badly, I am blaming the Taxol.

It's so funny to me to keep hearing that I am so positive about everything.  I sometimes have to laugh and roll my eyes a little bit because most days I feel like I am struggling to keep my shit together.  But thank you to all of who think I've got it all figured out.  I thought a little bit about it, and I think it's just I don't really have time to lose it.  It's like, OK, you have cancer, time to deal with it.  Like Michael wrecking my car or something, you know?  Just got to get it taken care of and check it off the list.

I've really taken a lot of time to reflect on the people in my world.  I am so blessed to have such solid people in my life and I am eternally grateful to you all. My family is amazing and even my ex has been great =) Although kids, you could do better about your chores.   It's also been so surprising to have so many people reach out to me that I didn't expect would, and in unexpected ways.  Even people I didn't know before I knew I had cancer, or didn't know very well, or didn't know in any way that I would have expected them to reach out and offer their hand, have become a fundamental part of my extended support system.  And it has been such a comfort to work for such a wonderful company, (I've always thought this, though, ask anyone), and my boss (that I seriously heart) and the senior leadership team got me a housecleaning and a spa day.  I mean hello!!  And the whole Stitch Fix thing and the random flowers from folks, and the hey, I know we haven't talked in forever, I just wanted to send you positive vibes.  It's just so overwhelming and there's too much to list, and I will always remember and cherish your presence.

Conversely, I have dwelled, even agonized, a lot, on the people in my life that I thought would be here for me that haven't been.  I am not going to talk too much about it because it's still a pain point for me, but it's been a real thing that I have had to deal with.  It's been super disappointing as I've gone down the path of reevaluating years of friendships.  I know that it's not anything I did, and I feel a deep sadness that there is a force in their lives that is preventing them from reaching out in a meaningful way, especially now when their friendship would mean so much.  I don't really have anything else to say about this other than I will always remember and mourn your absence.

That is why I say perspective has been such a gift to me.  I am so lucky!  Life is so different now.  Better.  More meaningful.  Priorities are different and things that used to matter don't seem to matter anymore because when you are sitting where I sit, all of it was really pretty trivial anyway.  What matters in life is the meaty stuff, not the politics and self-involved bullshit that no one will remember when you are gone. I'm talking about the real stuff.  The talks, the laughs, the hugs, the things that directly touch your heart and your soul and take your breath away without passing go.

Just a little wisdom from the single girl with cancer.  Take it or leave it.  

The world will be a better place because of who you are, not what you did - Me

Hugs from me and funny faces from Finn.

Love you all!

XOXO