Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Day 183

I mean I know I'm not a doctor, but really?

Just when I was ready to look at cancer in the rear-view mirror and move forward, I got the hard-to-hear news today that I may need to get my port put back in and do more chemo. Welcome to the cancer roller coaster. 

My surgical oncologist told me today that, "there is a nasty little comment in your pathology report that says there was no evidence that the tumor had been affected by treatment".  What was translated to me last week when I got the call with my results was that the tumor was still alive, which is pretty common. 

But "unaffected"?? Um no. Hell no. That doesn't sound right. It can't be right. Maybe the pathologist just didn't use all the words. How can there possibly be that finding without considering that the tumor shrunk. I'm pretty sure that was a direct result of the chemo and not me wishing it away.

But today I was like, what? Wait a minute.

Me: "Didn't the tumor shrink?"

Doc: "Yes, a lot."

Me: "Didn't you get it all"

Doc: "Yes, we got really great margins."

Me: "And it didn't spread anywhere?"

Doc: "Correct, there was no lymph node involvement or any other cancer in your breasts."

Forgive my language/ignorance/anger/horror, but what the shit are we going to treat then?  The tumor is gone. Why are we even discussing this? I am pretty sure that all of the above is supposed to be good news and the end of the chemo chapter.  And don't you actually have to have cancer to do chemo? I mean it seems obvious, though I'll admit, I don't know what I don't know.

Here's the deal. Until next week it's a maybe, a might, a possibility, an unknown. These are the words that very much describe the space that I do not do well in. I'm struggling. Plus it just doesn't make any goddamn sense. 

So yeah. That happened today. Going to try and cruise through this next week without lingering too much on it. But right now I'm super frustrated and confused.  

But!! You'll be happy to hear that the day was not a complete loss! I had a pretty significant post-surgical seroma and they were finally able to drain 300ccs from the left side and 100ccs on the right. Sounds pretty awesome, right?? (You're like, I'll take the chemo, thanks.)  I know it sounds totally gross but I feel so much more comfortable now so I'll take it!  Look at me, being all positive and shit =)

Cross your fingers that chemo and I have parted ways forever and I'll make sure to keep you updated! I know I'm going to be OK, just even the idea of chemo again. It's hard.

Goodnight my friends.


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