I’ve got to be honest everyone. Today did not go how I wanted it to go. I think I am supposed to be happy about it though. I think I should at least be happier.
I’m not. I got home today and just cried.
What I wanted to happen today was to be told “congrats, you're done with chemo!”, we’ll see you in a few months, and get a figurative swat on my ass on the way out the door. I didn’t expect it to happen, but I REALLY wanted it to.
Instead, I was told that because the cancer in my body only shrunk, but was not killed by the chemo, (which would have been remission), the chances of recurrence are higher. Which is yet another layer of fantastic, because I am already batting 1000 on the recurrence field due to my cancer being of the triple negative variety, along with the gene mutation. I am such an overachiever.
Soooooooo.......
They want to do another round of chemo as an additional layer of “insurance” against recurrence and to kill any cancer cells that may still be in my body. I’m trying not to feel too special about all that; apparently it’s the standard of care for nasty tumors like mine. I guess I am still a bit confused because I thought I would have only needed more chemo if there was lymph node involvement, which there was not.
But, I did get the Doc aligned with me on having the hysterectomy done first and waiting for the pathology on my cervix, ovaries, uterus, and Fallopian tubes to come back before we start chemo back up, because let's be real, who knows what they will find. Odds are 48% there could be something interesting in there, and I am already 10 years past the recommended age of a BRCA-1 carrier to still have their girly parts. I am a ticking time bomb.
Wait. I just realized I have three oncologists now. That’s kind of a moment.
Gulp.
Breathe.
Also wanted you to meet my new friend for the upcoming four months of chemo, Xeloda (aka Capecitabine). This will be an oral chemo so thank you for the little things in life, I don’t have to get my port put back in. Either way, it’s still chemo and although it is touted to be ‘easier”, it still has a long and nasty list of side effects. It’s kind of hard to get excited about chemo, but I am going to give it a try here:
Xeloda is fairly new to the adjuvant treatment scene. How it works is actually very cool. (I’d explain it, but I’m not Google.) I can tell you that it’s has been tested particularly on triple negative breast cancer and has shown a significant decrease in recurrence. I was on the fence about doing more chemo but that sold me. I am all about time, and the more of it that I can own and not borrow, the better.
So treatment is a little more than I thought or wanted. I am sure that it’ll all go fast, just like the past few months have flown by. Today was hard to hear. I am so looking forward to moving on and perhaps I got a little ahead of myself. Plus, I selfishly don’t want to give cancer another four months of my life. I know the trade is worth it but.
And that’s the latest and greatest. Pretty rough day.
Love to you guys, thanks for the ear.
XOXO
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