Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Day 288

Gettin' good with it.
Like, for reals.

I mean at least I am using all of my pre-op nervous energy to make something happen that I should  have already done, even if I didn't have cancer.  But for the last two weeks, all I keep hearing in my head is, "the anesthesiologist won't touch you unless you're at the main hospital because you are a high risk surgical patient".   

So, that's exactly what is happening at the main hospital at OHSU tomorrow.  The fourth, and hopefully last surgery for me.  Yes, it's the new boobies along with some work to fix the damage to my underarm area on both sides from the mastectomy.   As much as I don't want to be a special case in this arena, I am trying to find comfort in the fact that they want me at the main hospital in case something goes terribly wrong and my blood pressure tanks to 75/39 again.   But the point isn't lost on me that this is normally an outpatient procedure not normally performed on the hill.  

I am really trying my best to stay positive and get excited about my new perky silicone boobs but it's been a struggle.  If only everything I have been through made them feel like some sort of reward, but it doesn't.  Most days, I am fine with my new body and thankful, grateful, to it.  But there are some days that I am like, "what the shit am I looking at in the mirror and how did I even get here?" and I yearn for my pre-cancer self, mind and body.  Everything has happened so fast and I am still trying to catch up, but for the most part I am committed to moving forward and not looking back.  

So it's goodbye to the tissue expanders tomorrow, which can't happen soon enough.  This past week I have been in so much pain from them.  I don't know why or what happened.  I actually woke up from a dead sleep this morning crying in pain.   And since I can't take anything other than Tylenol before my surgery (which let's be real, doesn't do anything), I just have to power through.  So it's a mixed bag of nuts right now between excitement and anxiety.  

In other news, I got my little home office all set up, which I've heard looks really nice.  I think it does too and it makes me super happy.  

We recently took a trip to the beach and got sunburned.  Yes, in Oregon.  Yes, on the beach.  It was Finn's first time and she had a blast!!  Also got myself a little villa in my happiest place, Palm Desert, all by myself for some much needed me time over the long holiday weekend and got some SUNNNNN!!!   Shameless selfie because I earned that shit.

Also some exciting news coming next week that I will share with you all!!!  Well it's exciting for me because I am passionate about sharing my experiences with others and inspiring people to embrace their wellness.  To be proactive about your health instead of reactive, and to be an advocate for your health instead of a victim to it.  If I can change one person's perspective and convince someone that has never had a wellness exam, or has been putting it off due to fear of finding something wrong, to get it done, then I have accomplished what I wanted to do.  Power comes from knowledge.  Fear comes from not knowing.  

You don't often hear the words "cancer" and "thankful" in the same sentence, but I am thankful to have had cancer.  I know, weird.  Man, perspective though.  My life was pretty damn good before I got cancer, granted.  But now I have made it AMAZING.

Love to you all, I will check in on IG after I am done tomorrow.  See you on the other side!


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