Like, for reals.
I mean at least I am using all of my pre-op nervous energy to make something happen that I should have already done, even if I didn't have cancer. But for the last two weeks, all I keep hearing in my head is, "the anesthesiologist won't touch you unless you're at the main hospital because you are a high risk surgical patient".
So, that's exactly what is happening at the main hospital at OHSU tomorrow. The fourth, and hopefully last surgery for me. Yes, it's the new boobies along with some work to fix the damage to my underarm area on both sides from the mastectomy. As much as I don't want to be a special case in this arena, I am trying to find comfort in the fact that they want me at the main hospital in case something goes terribly wrong and my blood pressure tanks to 75/39 again. But the point isn't lost on me that this is normally an outpatient procedure not normally performed on the hill.
I am really trying my best to stay positive and get excited about my new perky silicone boobs but it's been a struggle. If only everything I have been through made them feel like some sort of reward, but it doesn't. Most days, I am fine with my new body and thankful, grateful, to it. But there are some days that I am like, "what the shit am I looking at in the mirror and how did I even get here?" and I yearn for my pre-cancer self, mind and body. Everything has happened so fast and I am still trying to catch up, but for the most part I am committed to moving forward and not looking back.
So it's goodbye to the tissue expanders tomorrow, which can't happen soon enough. This past week I have been in so much pain from them. I don't know why or what happened. I actually woke up from a dead sleep this morning crying in pain. And since I can't take anything other than Tylenol before my surgery (which let's be real, doesn't do anything), I just have to power through. So it's a mixed bag of nuts right now between excitement and anxiety.
In other news, I got my little home office all set up, which I've heard looks really nice. I think it does too and it makes me super happy.
We recently took a trip to the beach and got sunburned. Yes, in Oregon. Yes, on the beach. It was Finn's first time and she had a blast!! Also got myself a little villa in my happiest place, Palm Desert, all by myself for some much needed me time over the long holiday weekend and got some SUNNNNN!!! Shameless selfie because I earned that shit.
We recently took a trip to the beach and got sunburned. Yes, in Oregon. Yes, on the beach. It was Finn's first time and she had a blast!! Also got myself a little villa in my happiest place, Palm Desert, all by myself for some much needed me time over the long holiday weekend and got some SUNNNNN!!! Shameless selfie because I earned that shit.
XOXO
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