Day 210

Upstairs, Downstairs

Second part of the complete renovation (aka surgery #2 - hysterectomy) is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Last week I would say I was "kinda having a little PTSD" about going in for surgery again, but I am completely comfortable now admitting I am full on in it.  

This week I have finally started feeling really healthy and strong again.  Understandably (I think), I am not really looking forward to another surgery and recovering and waiting for pathology (my least favorite part).  I feel like I just had surgery a few weeks ago!!  Also a teeny bit of anxiety about going into surgical menopause because chemical menopause has been so much fun.  I am going to beg and plead and bat my new baby eyelashes (they grew back!) at the surgeon and fully expect to wake up with an estrogen patch slapped on my ass.  Or wherever they go.

So, I have been staying crazy busy these past few days for distraction.  I did have this little moment driving to work today as the thought crossed my mind that I am getting rid of everything that has created and nurtured life because it's trying to take mine.  Weird kind of circle of life moment but it was a thing, trust me.

Anyway, party at OHSU South Waterfront tomorrow at 10:45am for a one night stay.  Please send positive vibes, glitter, etc. my way!  One more step closer to the finish line. 

Oh and check this out!!! 

#hairgoals

Talk soon!

XOXO

Day 206

/ˈkɜːrsɪd/ underwires

Today I got rid of every single bra I own and it made me cry.

Day 192

Time to make lemonade.

I’ve got to be honest everyone.  Today did not go how I wanted it to go.  I think I am supposed to be happy about it though.  I think I should at least be happier.

I’m not.  I got home today and just cried.

What I wanted to happen today was to be told “congrats, you're done with chemo!”, we’ll see you in a few months, and get a figurative swat on my ass on the way out the door.   I didn’t expect it to happen, but I REALLY wanted it to.

Instead, I was told that because the cancer in my body only shrunk, but was not killed by the chemo, (which would have been remission), the chances of recurrence are higher.  Which is yet another layer of fantastic, because I am already batting 1000 on the recurrence field due to my cancer being of the triple negative variety, along with the gene mutation.  I am such an overachiever.

Soooooooo.......

They want to do another round of chemo as an additional layer of “insurance” against recurrence and to kill any cancer cells that may still be in my body.  I’m trying not to feel too special about all that; apparently it’s the standard of care for nasty tumors like mine.  I guess I am still a bit confused because I thought I would have only needed more chemo if there was lymph node involvement, which there was not.

But, I did get the Doc aligned with me on having the hysterectomy done first and waiting for the pathology on my cervix, ovaries, uterus, and Fallopian tubes to come back before we start chemo back up, because let's be real, who knows what they will find.  Odds are 48% there could be something interesting in there, and I am already 10 years past the recommended age of a BRCA-1 carrier to still have their girly parts.  I am a ticking time bomb.

So let’s get this show on the road, right?!?!  Right!!  As of today, I have a call out to my gynecological oncologist (say that ten times fast) to get my hysterectomy scheduled.  A few weeks after I get that done, I’ll start chemo again.  

Wait. I just realized I have three oncologists now.  That’s kind of a moment.

Gulp.

Breathe.

Also wanted you to meet my new friend for the upcoming four months of chemo, Xeloda (aka Capecitabine).  This will be an oral chemo so thank you for the little things in life, I don’t have to get my port put back in.  Either way, it’s still chemo and although it is touted to be ‘easier”, it still has a long and nasty list of side effects.  It’s kind of hard to get excited about chemo, but I am going to give it a try here:

Xeloda is fairly new to the adjuvant treatment scene.  How it works is actually very cool.  (I’d explain it, but I’m not Google.)  I can tell you that it’s has been tested particularly on triple negative breast cancer and has shown a significant decrease in recurrence.  I was on the fence about doing more chemo but that sold me.  I am all about time, and the more of it that I can own and not borrow, the better.

So treatment is a little more than I thought or wanted.  I am sure that it’ll all go fast, just like the past few months have flown by.  Today was hard to hear.  I am so looking forward to moving on and perhaps I got a little ahead of myself.  Plus, I selfishly don’t want to give cancer another four months of my life.  I know the trade is worth it but.

And that’s the latest and greatest.  Pretty rough day.

Love to you guys, thanks for the ear.

XOXO

Day 183

I mean I know I'm not a doctor, but really?

Just when I was ready to look at cancer in the rear-view mirror and move forward, I got the hard-to-hear news today that I may need to get my port put back in and do more chemo. Welcome to the cancer roller coaster. 

My surgical oncologist told me today that, "there is a nasty little comment in your pathology report that says there was no evidence that the tumor had been affected by treatment".  What was translated to me last week when I got the call with my results was that the tumor was still alive, which is pretty common. 

But "unaffected"?? Um no. Hell no. That doesn't sound right. It can't be right. Maybe the pathologist just didn't use all the words. How can there possibly be that finding without considering that the tumor shrunk. I'm pretty sure that was a direct result of the chemo and not me wishing it away.

But today I was like, what? Wait a minute.

Me: "Didn't the tumor shrink?"

Doc: "Yes, a lot."

Me: "Didn't you get it all"

Doc: "Yes, we got really great margins."

Me: "And it didn't spread anywhere?"

Doc: "Correct, there was no lymph node involvement or any other cancer in your breasts."

Forgive my language/ignorance/anger/horror, but what the shit are we going to treat then?  The tumor is gone. Why are we even discussing this? I am pretty sure that all of the above is supposed to be good news and the end of the chemo chapter.  And don't you actually have to have cancer to do chemo? I mean it seems obvious, though I'll admit, I don't know what I don't know.

Here's the deal. Until next week it's a maybe, a might, a possibility, an unknown. These are the words that very much describe the space that I do not do well in. I'm struggling. Plus it just doesn't make any goddamn sense. 

So yeah. That happened today. Going to try and cruise through this next week without lingering too much on it. But right now I'm super frustrated and confused.  

But!! You'll be happy to hear that the day was not a complete loss! I had a pretty significant post-surgical seroma and they were finally able to drain 300ccs from the left side and 100ccs on the right. Sounds pretty awesome, right?? (You're like, I'll take the chemo, thanks.)  I know it sounds totally gross but I feel so much more comfortable now so I'll take it!  Look at me, being all positive and shit =)

Cross your fingers that chemo and I have parted ways forever and I'll make sure to keep you updated! I know I'm going to be OK, just even the idea of chemo again. It's hard.

Goodnight my friends.

XOXO

Day 176

Well that's done.

And guess what???  I am officially cancer free!  Yep. 

The pathology report came in yesterday and there was no additional cancer found in either breast or any of my lymph nodes.  The tumor on the left side was substantially smaller than it's pre-chemo size, but was still "alive".  Honestly, I would have really loved for it to be dead, but whatever.  I will still celebrate because I know for sure it didn't spread and they got really great margins since I had the DMX.

So...

I win.

Day 164

Thanks for the mammories.

Big day tomorrow.  DMX.  OHSU.  6am.  

One minute I am excited to get this cancer the hell out of my body, the next minute I am scared out of my mind that they'll find even more cancer or lymph node involvement and I'll have to do radiation or god forbid, more chemo.  Then the next minute I am like, wait, wtf?!?!  No way in HELL you are taking my boobs.  Almost to the point of a big fat grown up fit.  Not pretty.  

I still can't believe this is real sometimes.  Tomorrow I am sure things will feel very real when I start the next big battle.  The first of four surgeries.  I will need to refocus my energy, not into the idea of what just happened to me physically, but into healing my body and my soul.  

I was wondering what I should do to mark the occasion.  Like is there some sort of ceremony I should hold for my soon-to-be-gone boobs or something?  Should I burn sage, or take pictures of them? No idea. I do feel it's important to do something to honor my before surgery body and celebrate the "whole" me before the new me emerges from the ashes, but honestly I have not had the time or energy to do anything no matter how many easy Pinterest projects there may be.  I have a feeling I will regret not doing something more but the clock keeps ticking towards tomorrow and still nothing to commemorate the girls.  I have been so busy with work and momming, that this will just have to do.

So, without further adieu, a big shout out to my boobs.  Thank you for serving your purpose and doing a hell of a job.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss you terribly and I cried my eyes out today over you like a big baby.  I will never be the same without you, but I hope to be better when you are gone.  

I love you all.  Please send me the good kind of vibes tonight and I will check in with you on the other side (most likely on IG).

Get some sleep for me, I'm not sure that's happening here tonight!

XOXO

Day 157

My life since the last blog post:

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Seriously.

Tell you what though, it's hard to believe that today it's been one month since my last chemo (yay!!!), and I am one week away from my BMX (that's shop talk for Bilateral Mastectomy). I am in a much better place than I was during what I will fondly look back on as, "the darkest 5 days", but it's still a roller coaster my friends.  I am feeling a bit better, and I joke that I am done with chemo but it's not done with me.  The side effects of chemo definitely don't end on your last treatment.  They lingeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr.  For example, the neuropathy in my fingers and feet may just end up being that way forever, so that's neat!  Although on a positive note, so far I have counted one eyelash growing back, three new eyebrow hairs, and about ten really whack peach fuzz hairs on my head that are almost an inch long.  Funny how excited I am about that!!!

Speaking of healing, I had this a-ha moment in the shower the other day, (where all of my most amazing a-ha moments happen), that the loss of my breasts isn't about justifying, it's about acceptance.  I had been spending a ton of energy negotiating with myself to get to the point that I could cope with my loss. I don't care if I get fabulous new boobs, or what society thinks of me without my boobs, or whatever "benefit" comes with the surgery.  It's about mourning over losing a part of myself, and not only that, grieving over the person that I once was, and accepting the new normal.  And then thriving.  Being happy.  Really effing happy.

Obviously, cancer was not in my life plan.  Although I had always known that I had higher than normal odds of getting cancer.  Since I was young, I would joke that it wasn't if I was going to get cancer, it was what kind would it be.  Well tell you what, even though I carried that burden with me, when it actually happened, I was like, "Wait!!!  What?!?!?  This can't really be happening!!".  Totally. Unprepared.  

Especially since last September when I had my mammogram, I felt completely invincible.  Healthy.  Vibrant.  At the top of my game.  This has been a major course change and it has taken me a while to adapt to the headwind and the sun in my eyes.  

So here we go on the next journey!  I felt a few weeks ago that physically I have tackled the hardest part as I wrapped up my chemo, but I am feeling a little less confident of that as I head into four surgeries that will take me just about the next year to complete.  That's a lot!  It's a marathon, not a sprint, right?  That's been a point of frustration for me because I tend to be impatient with myself and not give myself a lot of grace.  Working through that.....

So, I have been preparing my body for this next hurdle. I am so excited to start exercising again!  I have been slowly digging out of this chemo hole and getting my physical strength back.  It's been hard because my endurance was greatly reduced by the chemo (thanks to Adriamycin) and my body has been in pain (thanks to Taxol) and climbing a flight of stairs could kick my ass.  But every day it gets better!  

I appreciate my body, no, myself, so much more now.  I am amazed by my strength and what my body, mind, and spirit, have been able to endure, sustain, and survive through.  Reflecting not only on now, but really my entire life.  Today I feel like a warrior.  Tomorrow I may not, and I won't trust any part of my body, and that's OK too.  Welcome to the roller coaster that is cancer.

And are you as happy as I am that spring is here?!?!  I am so energized!!!!  There are daffodils and cherry blossoms and it's amazing!!  I looked at the weather forecast for this weekend and it's going to be soooooooo nice and I think I am going to try to knock out a hike before my surgery and I am down for the count again.  I mean granted it's going to take me twice as long to do, but I really can't think of anything that would make me happier, and I promise I will take it easy and make one of the kids babysit me.  Love you all, gnite!!  XOXO