Day 319

I left my 💗 in New Mexico

I am happy to announce that my second video in my two part series on wellness came out!  You can watch it by clicking here: Wellness: A Call to Action.  If you missed the first one, I wouldn't want you to miss out, so here you go: Introduction to Wellness.  I am going to gush again, but I am so grateful to work for a company that values the well-being of it's employees so much, and makes it a priority.  

Speaking of wellness exams, I went and did that yesterday.  Got all my lab work back and I am happy to report I don't have any additional things wrong with me so yay!! It was so weird being back where this journey all began.  I was looking forward to it, yet it was strange and touching all at the same time.  Strange because so much has happened since I saw him last year, and touching to hear that he had been following my journey as it unfolded.  I know I have been through a lot, but it still makes me pause when people, even medical professionals, are in awe of what you've been through.

This week I traveled to ABQ, NM for one of my first branch visits and am wondering why in the heck I never have been to New Mexico?  It's like the best kept secret!  Granted, I love a desert environment so if that's not your jam you may not be as impressed as I was.  And it's monsoon season, which means thunderstorms, which means I was SO happy.  If you know me, you know I love a little thunder and lighting, and the current offerings in Oregon for storms leave much to be desired.  The sunset was probably the most beautiful I have ever seen.  It was so great to connect with the team there and have some face time with the folks I'll be partnering with.  I miss them already!

My chemo was delivered last week before my business trip.  Quite honestly, I was hoping for there to be a little more pomp and circumstance with the delivery.  Like I wanted to open the door and see the UPS driver DECKED OUT and my pills contained in some bio-hazard bag.

But no go.  A very benign, bubble wrapped envelope with pink pills arrived, compliments of our friendly local man in brown knocking on the door.  Boo.  

So, minus a chemo delivery extravaganza, I started my oral chemo yesterday which (so far) has been pretty easy.  I am not sure if the effects are cumulative though and my last round will be December 5th, two weeks on, one week off.  I have been more tired and the chemo brain is sneaking up a bit, and my feet have been a little on the tingly side (which is concerning), but if this is the worst, I can totally do this.  Although I have now traded in my flip flops for what I lovingly call, "Crocs and Socks".  I know.  Crocs.  But trust me, it's worth not getting the hand and foot syndrome which sounds like a nightmare, so whatever.  Fashionistas can kiss it.  

And I got another puppy but whatever.  She's not cute or anything worth reporting on really, so just going through the motions here...

😉

Anyway, meet Nerd Puppy #2.  Because what's better than one Labrador life partner?  That's right.

She's the most chill puppy ever which in contrast to Finn is a blessing.  Little Chewy is going to keep it all together here at the house because that's what Black Labs do.  LOL totally Finn in the middle.

That's it for now!  Hoping to hang out with all the BFF's this weekend since Aaron is in town for Kevin's birthday.  Three musketeers unite!  Jess gets back from seeing her dad in AZ tomorrow so also going to pick her up and then be subject to teenage girl angst again after a little reprieve, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am home for the weekend and next week, and then travel begins back up.  Nevada the week of Labor Day, Dallas a few weeks after that, and then  Nor-Cal mid October.  Phew!! 

Mucho love your way!  Send good vibes that chemo stays easy....I need it to, I don't have time to stay down.

XOXO

Post blog upload update: I just took my pm dose of Xeloda and I am feeling like ass. Ugh.  Cancer.   The worst.

Day 305

I love my new hair so much it gets it's own blog post.

That is all.

Day 303

Found:  Boobs. 

Yay!!  They found my boobs and they've been "installed"!  Found out why they weren't there the day of my surgery.  With the big recall on textured implants, apparently nothing shipped from Allergan, including my non-textured implants.  Still doesn't explain the breakdown in the process that allowed me even to get to the hospital that day, but hey.  Moving forward.

After my surgery on Monday (which went so smoothly and my blood pressure stayed strong at 110/73 - YES!!!)  I ended up overdoing it on the two days after my surgery, which resulted in a fever and me laying in bed for (almost) the remainder of the week.  I should learn but I won't.  But, besides the incredible bruising and pain on the right side, I think everything looks just great! 

And they are so much softer than the tissue expanders which is great, and I can move my arms over my head now.  I guess how the tissue expanders are inserted and mounted onto your body, it restricts range of motion in your arms, so that is an immediate and welcome side effect.  I'll start PT soon and hopefully that helps with strength and adding more range. I'll likely have to do yet another surgery to correct the damage under my arms too.

The plan now that my chemo has been ordered and approved by insurance is I will start Xeloda on 8/20.  I am going to make the most of the time between treatments and enjoy myself   I even went to a concert last night and saw Berlin, OMD, and the B-52's and it clocked my ass, but I had so much fun!!   I am preparing for the four months of oral chemo to be not great.  Even though I have been assured it's easier, I've heard that before (see Day 105).  If you know me, you know my love of flip flops and I won't be allowed to sport my favorite shoe while I am on this chemo since friction can increase the chances of developing palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia (hand and foot syndrome), which is basically huge burning blisters on your hands and feet.  Nice, right?  Don't forget the diarrhea.  Where can I sign up?!?!  I know I can do it.  Shit, I made it through the four months of IV chemo, but.  It's a hard thing to do to sign up willingly to poison your body but if I don't do this and it comes back, I could never live with that guilt, so poison it is!  I am very hopeful that this will do the trick and I will finally hear the words NED or remission.  Something that has never come up in any of my conversations with my oncology team.  Crossing my fingers so hard!!  I really need to hear that and the fact that I haven't is a heavy burden. 

And, the best most amazing/incredible/crazy news!!  Remember when I said a few weeks ago that I had the hugest surprise??  Well!!!  My company, Associa, has embraced my journey in fighting cancer, and has given me a platform to reach hundreds, even maybe thousands, of my work family to stress the importance of being proactive in our wellness.  A subject that you may know is very near and dear to my heart.  It's a two part series, and I will share the second part when it comes out.  I am so grateful that I am part of a company that has been so supportive.  Words cannot even say enough.  

I wanted to extend my message to all of you too, first and foremost, because I truly care.  And also because even if you haven't hit the career jackpot and are lucky enough to work for Associa like me, the importance of my message is the same.  I'm not trying to be preachy, I want to inspire. I know I say "ummm" a lot in the video. Just trying to #keepitreal.

****hopping on soapbox now****

Be involved in your wellness.  And by involved, I mean actively seek to have an intimate knowledge of your health.  Advocate for yourself and be proactive.  Ignorance is not bliss.  Please don't take your health for granted, even if you feel invincible.  Knowing is power.  Be there for yourself and the ones that love you. Get an annual wellness exam.  It saved my life.  If anyone can learn and change their habits from my vulnerability in sharing my story, then I have achieved my goal.

****stepping down****

Love you all.  Video is below.  Please take a few minutes to watch.

XOXO

Day 289

No boobies for me today.

My boobs have been lost.  Seriously folks, they have scoured the OHSU campus and they are nowhere to be found.

So after you're done laughing, because the humor isn't lost on me either, I am really upset and having a hard time absorbing this.  

I was SO ready.  Not only do I need to prepare for surgery at home and work, but emotionally.  This was literally one of the last steps in moving forward.  And it was ripped right out from under me, for a reason that seems un-freaking-real.  

First of all, my initial implant surgery on the 12th of this month was rescheduled at the last minute.  I am also waiting to start chemo until after my surgery, so this will ultimately delay my treatment.  Then I'm sitting in pre-op all marked up and ready to go, with an IV (which as you may or may not know, is really hard to do with chemo veins) and my poor surgeon, who is an amazing and wonderful person, has to come in and tell me they lost my boobs.  I joked and asked him if he had a spare pair in his trunk we could use.  But inside I was dying.  I'm not sure who was more upset, him or me.  I am sure heads will roll at OHSU if he has anything to do with it.  And, since he has a few hours to spare now, I am sure he's doing just that.  Why on earth wouldn't they have them well in advance?  It seems crazy to me.  I mean, isn't there a boobie checklist or something?

• Surgeon.  Check.
• Anesthesiologist.  Check.
• Boobs.  Check.

Simple, right?

Anyway, I tagged the hospital on my (rightfully so) "woe is me" post on IG and they've already reached out and apparently someone from patient relations is supposed to be calling me.   I'm not really sure what they can do other than apologize.  I mean do I get a free stay or water bottle or something for my trouble?  Nothing will really ever make this better.  Other than for someone to find my implants somewhere and get my surgery done, like tomorrow.

I spent the evening on my couch last night shaking from nerves about today and I really don't want to do it again.  I know it may be hard to understand for some and no one will really know what to say other than "that sucks", but the idea of being done with this process and being one step closer to "over" is something that we breast cancer patients cling to and really need to make it through all the shit we have to endure.  And in an instant it's gone, albeit for now, and it's a bitter pill to swallow.  

I'm upset.  I'm pissed.  I'm devastated.  I'm done venting.

Oh, and I just got a call from the scheduler and we are on for the second attempt next Monday afternoon.  I asked if we could just ship the new boobs to me and I will bring with.   Just an offer.  My surgeon is coming on his day off, which his nurse said he has never done before, and I am grateful to him for that.  What a freaking roller coaster.

I'm exhausted.

Love to you all, thanks for listening and for your kind words and support.

XOXO

Day 288

Gettin' good with it.

Like, for reals.

I mean at least I am using all of my pre-op nervous energy to make something happen that I should  have already done, even if I didn't have cancer.  But for the last two weeks, all I keep hearing in my head is, "the anesthesiologist won't touch you unless you're at the main hospital because you are a high risk surgical patient".   

So, that's exactly what is happening at the main hospital at OHSU tomorrow.  The fourth, and hopefully last surgery for me.  Yes, it's the new boobies along with some work to fix the damage to my underarm area on both sides from the mastectomy.   As much as I don't want to be a special case in this arena, I am trying to find comfort in the fact that they want me at the main hospital in case something goes terribly wrong and my blood pressure tanks to 75/39 again.   But the point isn't lost on me that this is normally an outpatient procedure not normally performed on the hill.  

I am really trying my best to stay positive and get excited about my new perky silicone boobs but it's been a struggle.  If only everything I have been through made them feel like some sort of reward, but it doesn't.  Most days, I am fine with my new body and thankful, grateful, to it.  But there are some days that I am like, "what the shit am I looking at in the mirror and how did I even get here?" and I yearn for my pre-cancer self, mind and body.  Everything has happened so fast and I am still trying to catch up, but for the most part I am committed to moving forward and not looking back.  

So it's goodbye to the tissue expanders tomorrow, which can't happen soon enough.  This past week I have been in so much pain from them.  I don't know why or what happened.  I actually woke up from a dead sleep this morning crying in pain.   And since I can't take anything other than Tylenol before my surgery (which let's be real, doesn't do anything), I just have to power through.  So it's a mixed bag of nuts right now between excitement and anxiety.  

In other news, I got my little home office all set up, which I've heard looks really nice.  I think it does too and it makes me super happy.  

We recently took a trip to the beach and got sunburned.  Yes, in Oregon.  Yes, on the beach.  It was Finn's first time and she had a blast!!  Also got myself a little villa in my happiest place, Palm Desert, all by myself for some much needed me time over the long holiday weekend and got some SUNNNNN!!!   Shameless selfie because I earned that shit.

Also some exciting news coming next week that I will share with you all!!!  Well it's exciting for me because I am passionate about sharing my experiences with others and inspiring people to embrace their wellness.  To be proactive about your health instead of reactive, and to be an advocate for your health instead of a victim to it.  If I can change one person's perspective and convince someone that has never had a wellness exam, or has been putting it off due to fear of finding something wrong, to get it done, then I have accomplished what I wanted to do.  Power comes from knowledge.  Fear comes from not knowing.  

You don't often hear the words "cancer" and "thankful" in the same sentence, but I am thankful to have had cancer.  I know, weird.  Man, perspective though.  My life was pretty damn good before I got cancer, granted.  But now I have made it AMAZING.

Love to you all, I will check in on IG after I am done tomorrow.  See you on the other side!

XOXO  

Day 268

I'll take some estrogen with a side of estrogen, please.

Seriously.

I am having such a hard time with the post-hysterectomy me.  In particular, I can't get these effing estrogen patches to stay on.  Why does this matter, you may say?  Well, I have learned that you do not mess around with hormones, like ever.  I got myself into a little situation last week.  I had an auto refill prescription en route to me in the mail and I had already burned through my entire month's supply of estrogen patches in two weeks which ended up in me being without estrogen for almost a week.  I am not sure any package has been tracked more LOL.  Anyway, I won't get into great detail but definitely not a good time. 

Currently, I have my estrogen patch virtually super-glued to my ass.  OK, well Tegaderm and first aid tape, but I am being super real about my inability to act like a rational human being without estrogen.   I am already on the second patch of my one month supply that I got a week ago, so looks like I'm on course to have another "estrogen cleanse" in a few weeks.  Hoping my ONC-GYN can help me out.  I emailed her on Monday, so cross your fingers for me.

In other news, I got the call this week that my implant exchange and reconstruction surgery was rescheduled for 7/24.  Initially it was scheduled for next Friday as an outpatient procedure and I was SOOOOOO excited to get these tissue expanders the hell out of my body and be done with big surgeries.   But, apparently they think I might try to die or something, and consider me to be super high risk because of my previous two surgeries and my near dead 80/40 blood pressure, combined with my BAV.  And, I quote, "the anesthesiologist won't touch you unless you are at the main hospital".  That was a nice thing to hear and has instilled so much confidence!  I can't WAIT to go under again.  I guess if I do check out under anesthesia, I've had enough surgery to know that I won't even know what happened.  

Initially, I was really bummed to hear the news and was a big crying mess.  I am sure that came from my desire to get this last piece over with coupled with the fact that tissue expanders are not comfortable at all and I have some repair work on each side that I need done since I have damage from my mastectomy that has left me in a lot of pain as well.  So there's that piece.  And, shockingly, I had everything planned out.  My schedule around time off from work, the kids, aftercare, nailed down!  As a single parent, it takes a lot more coordinating to pull off  a surgery than someone that has a partner.  So that was annoying that they just call and blow up your entire life like it's no big thing.  Now I am more OK with the change, although still a little disappointed.  I would rather be at the hospital in case I do try to die on everyone.  So I got over myself pretty quickly on that.

And good news! I decided that I will be doing the additional chemo beginning the end of this month as well.  I never really did get a good answer on the "why" other than, "just in case".  But, if this shit comes back and I didn't do this last step, I would NEVER be able to live with that.   My oncologist also wants me to have a screening of my pancreas, because with my gene mutation there is an increased chance of pancreatic cancer,  which as you may or may not have heard, is really bad.  Yay for more scan-ziety!.  Seriously will this ever be over?!?!!?

YES!!  It will!!  I know this because I asked my oncologist what care looks like after I complete all my surgeries and chemo, like, do I get annual scans or something?  Nope.  All that happens is I get a complete body scan and if it's clear they swat you on your ass out the door and say GOOD LUCK!

Wait.  What???  Yep.  

So that's fucking scary too.  I want it to be over but when it is, literally nothing?  How do I know I'm not growing more shit in my body?  I'm sure that'll be the topic of another blog, another day; the figurative ghost in the room with me the rest of my life.

But for now, I am getting ready to head to Palm Desert tonight for the long weekend all by myself (!!!!!!) for my "pre-op self care mini vacation".  Oh yes, that's still happening, even though they rescheduled my surgery.  I mean like I need a reason to go to Palm Desert, but whatever.

As far as what's been up with me, you can catch up on my IG here.  The boys are working full time for the summer and it has been hilarious for me to experience their angst about adulting.  Jess is doing some babysitting.  The Marine Corps recruiter has been visiting. I'm sure there will be more, but I think David's sold. Man, I just realized I need to get senior pictures scheduled like now....anyone know anyone?  

Otherwise the usual crazy busy at work and home.  I've been excitedly preparing for my backfill at work so I can step into my new role in my quest to dominate the world through HR, and also cramming all my summer house projects into a few weeks in case the four months of chemo is awful, 'cause you know, it's chemo.

Love you all, have a safe and happy 4th!

XOXO

Day 238

Cliffhanger!

My "Happiest Place on Earth"!

Well wow it's been forever and I feel like I left y'all hanging with news that my heart that was going to blow up, so, here we go!!

AWWWW!!

I was able to get into the cardiologist a few weeks ago, which was in itself a miracle since they are scheduling out 6 months (that in and of itself seems crazy to me).  In a nutshell, my cardiologist said that the stenosis in my aortic valve was smack dab in the middle of moderate, not severe like her colleague had rated it.  She isn't worried about it yet and cleared me to exercise free of worry that my heart will explode.  Phew!  Although she did say no weight lifting exercises with my arms since it puts additional strain on my heart, so I guess they are not worried about it but also worried about it?  I will eventually need a valve replacement when I start developing symptoms but they won't do anything until they are pretty severe, which sounds like a fun thing to wait for.  Whatever.  I've gone through cancer and quite frankly this does not scare me at all.

My pain over this was mostly over the fact that I had the finding on my echocardiogram in November and no one said squat to me about it until right before they were wheeling me into surgery a few weeks ago.  Talk about bad timing!  😐  

What should have happened was that I should have been at least told about the results of my echo in November, then had a follow up echo after my last chemo in February, and another echo one year after my last cardio-toxic chemotherapy (sounds better every time I say it), which will be in December.  So I will get that all taken care of.  Needless to say, my oncologist and I are going to have a frank conversation next week about the management of my care and who is supposed to be paying attention.  I have paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to these doctors and I feel like I get to ask for some accountability and follow-through.  

So while I've been away, I decided I was going to take some time off to recover from my hysterectomy in my favorite place in the entire world.  I cashed in a few gazillion Marriott points and stayed for almost a week on them.  Took the kiddos with because they love it there too.  It was a much needed getaway and some much needed time to rest and recover.  Got some quality time in by the pool a la vodka, went to our favorite restaurant, Hibachi, and for the most part chilled the f&ck out which was AMAZING!!  The kids got to catch up with their dad so that was nice too.  Since it was pretty chill, not a ton of pics, but there's a few throughout this post and more on IG if that's your jam.

Oh and Michael hit a deer and totaled the other car but we're not going to linger on that since it's bad juju.    Fighting insurance company now.

Cake vs Box.....guess who won?

Also, it was my BIRTHDAY yesterday so happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!!!  Kicked off the traditional birthday week on Saturday so woot!  Thank you to Kevin and Clint for the wonderful birthday dinner with gourmet cheeseburgers and Konditorei.  How can you go wrong?  I may be extending birthday week to the end of the year.  Stay tuned =)

Tissue Expanders to the max!! 
Because why not.

And on a more exciting note, in my plot to take over the world through HR, I received the most amazing promotion!!!  I know!!!  My territory has expanded from OR and WA to now include Nor-Cal, NM, and NV.  I have really really missed managing a team, and I will be doing that again for a team of truly amazing people.  And I will be working from home!!!!!  There will be some travel of course, which I love, and I will still be close enough to my branch so I can visit when I get people withdrawals.  I am currently trying to find my replacement which is exciting since my exec team is so great and my position has been so much fun so far, and (I am going to say excited again) I am so excited for another person to have the opportunity to work for my company and with my team.   I really couldn't be more thrilled and happy, and a little proud of myself too.  Especially dealing with what I am dealing with and still able to accomplish this.  I am so grateful and truly lucky to love what I do and who I work with.  You know who you are ❤

Also asking for some good vibes from everyone for the boys' grandma.  She was hospitalized on Sunday and needs a bunch of good energy her way.  She is an amazing woman and has been selfless and a rock through my cancer journey and I need her to be OK.

I think I've caught you all up on everything!  If I missed something, I blame chemo brain and I'll probably remember it at 2am =)

Love you all.  Take care of yourselves.

XOXO

p.s.  I remembered lots more!!  Ha!!  

David got his driver's license last week so now I have two teenage boy drivers!!  My next surgery is July 12th when I get the tissue expanders (aka sacks that feel like rocks in your chest) swapped out for my implants and I could not be more excited for that!  And, I am still on the fence about starting up the Xeloda (four months of oral chemo).  I will keep you posted on that decision in a few weeks.  Seriously though folks, it's hard to sign up for more chemo and I am going to need more of a why than the "just because" that I have received so far.  Different battle, different day.  Gnite!